Return to Myself

I’m ready to heal the stories and stop pretending reality away

I’m not waiting for other people anymore to go on adventures with me upon this expansive earth

Out of my comfort zone, I find you

I see you there, through the lush, crisp trees, and my jovial spirit begins to awaken

We empathize with one another as humans who have experienced health crises

We are there, next to the rushing river, pushing past physical disability 

Testing our bodies to see how far they can travel, how much they can carry

Testing my heart, I felt so much release learning to love you without expectation 

My life has come full circle, and I come down to earth to live again, wild and free

Feeling my skin so cold and alive, my heart feels like it might explode with joy

I’ve stopped taking life for granted and I bask in the moments of hot soaks, cold dips, and a starry dome overhead as we sleep outside

As I feel my wet, cold face against yours warm and dry, I find myself and choose to live with love

Bit by bit, I remove the compartments I created as an attempt to control the chaos around me

I am supposed to write, so I release my words from the dam I had built and I feel a rush back to my authentic self 

I find myself naked with my heart wide open, ready to be the light that I came here to be

More consciously aware in this life than ever before, I realized the beauty as it happened

The exhilarating plunges into cold water collided me with my own spirit

After a tiresome vertical swim up from the depths of the outside world, I return to myself

My face breaks through the surface of the water in a splash and I inhale deeply as if I’m breathing air for the first time

My life will never be the same.

About this poem: I wrote the majority of this poem on multiple paper strips years ago as part of an online writing workshop I took part in. This past winter, I found the strips, and added to them to create this poem. It represents the critically important time in my life when I literally returned to myself by following my joy. It was the year I realized that my health was back and that I could again hike as far as I wanted to without worry of my pericarditis coming back. I’ve cried with gratitude on many hikes, in complete awe that I was given a second chance to fully enjoy nature and this life again.

Thanks so much for reading along. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG for more inspirational content.

Sending you all so much love!

Jammie

When you open my chest on the autopsy table…

When you open my chest on the autopsy table you will find the silver lining around my scarred heart marking the illness I overcame.

You will find a turquoise sea of love that I experienced throughout my lifetime.

Lust for places I traveled to and fell in love with, and all of the places that were always on my list for a future time.

You will find images of my son tucked away — saving them like photographs in an old static-cling photo album we always had when I was a kid.

You will find the joy that filled my days after the needle that removed the serosanguineous fluid from around my heart gave me a second chance at life — true, fully alive life.

You will find parts of every person I have connected with, every moment in nature I’ve spent, and every adventure I have ever had.

Body decaying, spirit gone on to the next life to live and love again through another suit with its own bones and flesh and organs.

A chest open with remnants remaining with the spark of my spirit on to the next time and place.

When you open my chest on the autopsy table, you won’t find me.

I am boundless and ever-evolving.

I’ll be back among the stars.

Energy swirling around the cosmos connecting back in with the Source that I AM.

When my body died, my spirit lept out and became everything that it always was — INFINITE.

I wrote this in a spoken word workshop I participated in this past weekend. We all had to include the same 5 words (I accidentally left one of them out) with the same opening line. We wrote for 10 minutes. This is what came of it. I hadn’t really thought about what I had written until I stood in front of the group to read it. Reading it out loud moved me to tears. It made me realize how even with everything I’ve been through, life is so very beautiful.

When I do leave this body, I want the people who love me to internalize this message. Read this at a party on the beach around a bonfire while people drum, dance, and celebrate! Toss my cremated remains into the sea and move on with gratitude for any moments you shared with me. We are far more than the meat suits we’re currently wearing. Life would not be so sweet without death. We are all infinite spiritual beings having a human experience.

Thank you for being here. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspiring content. Sending you all so much love!