I’m ready to heal the stories and stop pretending reality away
I’m not waiting for other people anymore to go on adventures with me upon this expansive earth
Out of my comfort zone, I find you
I see you there, through the lush, crisp trees, and my jovial spirit begins to awaken
We empathize with one another as humans who have experienced health crises
We are there, next to the rushing river, pushing past physical disability
Testing our bodies to see how far they can travel, how much they can carry
Testing my heart, I felt so much release learning to love you without expectation
My life has come full circle, and I come down to earth to live again, wild and free
Feeling my skin so cold and alive, my heart feels like it might explode with joy
I’ve stopped taking life for granted and I bask in the moments of hot soaks, cold dips, and a starry dome overhead as we sleep outside
As I feel my wet, cold face against yours warm and dry, I find myself and choose to live with love
Bit by bit, I remove the compartments I created as an attempt to control the chaos around me
I am supposed to write, so I release my words from the dam I had built and I feel a rush back to my authentic self
I find myself naked with my heart wide open, ready to be the light that I came here to be
More consciously aware in this life than ever before, I realized the beauty as it happened
The exhilarating plunges into cold water collided me with my own spirit
After a tiresome vertical swim up from the depths of the outside world, I return to myself
My face breaks through the surface of the water in a splash and I inhale deeply as if I’m breathing air for the first time
My life will never be the same.
About this poem: I wrote the majority of this poem on multiple paper strips years ago as part of an online writing workshop I took part in. This past winter, I found the strips, and added to them to create this poem. It represents the critically important time in my life when I literally returned to myself by following my joy. It was the year I realized that my health was back and that I could again hike as far as I wanted to without worry of my pericarditis coming back. I’ve cried with gratitude on many hikes, in complete awe that I was given a second chance to fully enjoy nature and this life again.
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After all of the years that have run their course since Shel Silverstein wrote this, isn’t it still so powerful? To me, it represents how we often move through the world hidden behind masks of conformity, unable to connect to the people who radiate the energy and qualities we most seek through connection. How do we get to a place of showing up most authentically in our lives? What allows us to finally drop the masks we’ve been holding up, so that we can find our tribe, our partner, and OURSELVES?
We are born beautiful bundles of light wrapped in adorable little suits complete with the biggest eyes and tiniest toes. Open, present, and connected to the Source that we are. I’ve seen many babies born and have had the pleasure in caring for them immediately after birth. Have you ever felt the energy of a new baby? Their energy shifts the entire room. People laugh, cry, shake, clap, hug, scream, beam, and delight simply because of the presence of a newborn baby. Yes, of course part of that is because of the excitement the family has for this little one, but as everything is energy, there’s so much more to it than than the purely human/physical experience of it. In witnessing birth, we are literally witnessing a portal open up from the spiritual to the physical as a mother ushers new life into the world. How truly amazing is this life? Women are the connection between the spiritual and physical planes.
Because of the work I do in Holographic Kinetics, I have come to know that the spark of a new spirit enters its earthly form at the time of conception inside the mother’s womb. From that moment on, as holograms of our mothers, we become observers to her entire experience. Our mother’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences feel like our own as we are so intimately connected. Even at that stage of our development, we can take on beliefs and thoughts about ourselves and life that will continue to shape our realities throughout this lifetime and sometimes beyond.
Little children do not conform. They want to wear rain boots when it’s dry, sunny and 110 degrees out, they want to wear mismatched, colorful clothes, they want to sing and dance wherever they find themselves. But then, they get sent to school and around 4th grade/9 years old, they notice that other people are paying attention to them and what they’re doing, saying, and what they’re wearing. They’re noticing the same about others. And their whole world shifts. Rather than being completely free, they become easily embarrassed. They move away from their free-spirited nature, and towards what everyone else seems to expect from them. At this point, they might put on a mask to conceal their true nature. And their light dims.
As teenagers, the judgements grow as do the comparisons to each other. With social media booming, people are exposed to, and are therefore able to compare themselves to more people than ever before in humankind history. But it’s a false comparison when we pit our insides against anyone’s outsides, especially the outsides that are neatly displayed on social media. Nevertheless, all of the comparison quickly steals joy. Teens can start feeling lonely and isolated during this time, because many are not connected real person to real person, but rather masked person to masked person. They question how anyone can love them, since they know, even if only deep down, that no one REALLY knows them. And their light dims even more.
For those people blessed enough to make it out of their teens and into adulthood, they often find themselves checking off the “requirements” of adulthood as deemed appropriate by society, their parents, and their peers. College, job to pay for college, material possessions, a house large enough to store the material possessions, marriage to another masked individual with much to be revealed once the papers are signed, the debts are incurred. Passion takes a backseat to responsibility. Feeling further separated from their own inner guidance system, their own spirit and truth, their light dims more.
Clearly, I’m speaking generally. Not everyone masked themselves as children. Not everyone felt the need to conform to the rules. But the reality is that many have felt those pressures and can relate to what I am writing.
So then, how do we break free from that life-long programming that has us worrying so much about what other people think of us and what we “should” be doing that we allow our own light to be dimmed? I think for many of us, we hit a breaking point. A time when our mind, body, and/or spirit simply can’t take it anymore. The exhaustion and stress of holding up the weight of everyone else’s expectations, and misaligned expectations that we have placed on ourselves opens us up to dis-ease, breakdown, crisis, and/or collapse. Mine was dis-ease that turned into Lyme disease that attacked my heart. After years of not following my own heart and inner guidance, my physical heart nearly stopped beating. Did I recognize this beautiful metaphor as I was living through it? Absolutely not. Did I need to recognize it for the medical emergency I experienced to lead me down a road to completely shift myself and my life? No! Believe me, I was backed into a very tight corner eventually and the state of my health FORCED me to change my life.
But, I want you, the reader, to know that you don’t have to wait until body/mind/spirit pushes back and your heart nearly fails or you get into a serious car accident to change how you’re moving through the world. You can choose to listen to and follow your own spirit’s guidance now. You can make a conscious decision today to take steps towards a new reality. A reality with less rigid rules to follow, more joy, more freedom of expression, and most importantly, more alignment with your own spirit.
5 Important Reasons to Stop Fitting In:
1. Conformity squashes our spirit. You were born to be YOU!! Not your sister, brother, Mother, Father, or friend. When we’re constantly trying to fit in, we will constantly feel tired and rejected. We are, after all, rejecting ourselves by behaving this way. We have to start accepting ourselves fully and internalizing the fact that we were born to SHINE, not fit it!
2. Your vibe attracts your tribe. So if you’re showing up inauthentically in your life, you’re going to have a sense of not belonging to the groups you find yourself socializing in. Your connections will feel very surface level, because you, yourself, are staying surface level with what you reveal about yourself to others. It’s only when we expose our own depth that others will reflect that back to us and we’ll find ourselves having more meaningful connections and conversations. You can’t find your people while wearing a mask. How will they find you if you just look and act like everyone else??!
3. Authenticity is one of the most important ways to align with our own spirits and reach new levels of freedom. If we want to feel fulfilled. If you want a life of freedom, joy, and love, the best way I’ve found is to connect in with our own inner guidance system/our spirit and live from that place. If everyone showed up authentically in this world, I truly believe that there would be no gap in finding the solution to every problem. Our energetic vibrations are unique and fill a very specific need on our planet. Alignment with my spirit has led me to amazing people and opportunities. Alignment can look and feel like magic.
4. Our purpose in life is who we are, NOT what we do. As we move through the world as uniquely ourselves, we help create positive change. When we prioritize our own alignment and live with passion, freedom, and joy, our experience and elevated energy ripples out and positively affects the collective. In alignment, I’ve found that I still feel called to help people, but the difference is that I now realize that I don’t have to DO anything specific to make that so. In alignment, the things we say in conversation give people just the right insights at the right time, and we can be the catalyst for downloads of remembrance for people.
5. Following our joy and passions is a requirement, not a luxury if we want to lead more fulfilling lives. When people follow what they think they “should” do for money, fame, or to please their own parents, they often ignore their own inner guidance system (intuition/spirit) and end up feeling depleted. If you want to feel better, you’ve got to start doing more things that light you up! What made you feel most alive when you were a kid? What passions have you forgotten that you had? What part of you have you been neglecting? Our passions are a direct link to our spirit. Follow them into alignment and you’ll be rewarded with increased synchronicities that guide you towards people, situations, and opportunities that are for your highest good.
I am so grateful for the shifts that are happening on this planet. So many have come here to question and push against the status quo. There are so many beautiful spirits here who are living their truth and making it a priority to remain aligned with their own spirit. When we show up authentically, we give permission for others to do the same. When asked what love means to me recently, I answered something like: love means holding space so that a person feels comfortable being their authentic self. It’s what came out when prompted with little time to think about it. But seriously, if all we do in this life is love people into their own best version, we will have done a LOT to shift the state of this planet. Think about it: we give the people in our lives unconditional love which to me means holding space for their authenticity…authenticity is key to alignment with our own spirits…and alignment with our own spirits is what leads us to living our best lives full of more freedom, joy, love, and fulfillment!
I hope this post inspires you to take a step towards connecting with your own spirit, while disconnecting from the conformist program. I don’t know about you, but I never wanted to live a shallow life. I’ve always craved more juicy depth and meaning in my connections. We get to decide how we show up, therefore we get to decide what reality we experience. Show up as your true, raw, authentic, and vulnerable self, and you will attract everything you seek like a magnet.
“Driftin’” by Matisyahu
“Expansive soul with my wings in the air Try to fit a circle in the square All this talk about my look, who cares Shallow minds just got to surface”
When you open my chest on the autopsy table you will find the silver lining around my scarred heart marking the illness I overcame.
You will find a turquoise sea of love that I experienced throughout my lifetime.
Lust for places I traveled to and fell in love with, and all of the places that were always on my list for a future time.
You will find images of my son tucked away — saving them like photographs in an old static-cling photo album we always had when I was a kid.
You will find the joy that filled my days after the needle that removed the serosanguineous fluid from around my heart gave me a second chance at life — true, fully alive life.
You will find parts of every person I have connected with, every moment in nature I’ve spent, and every adventure I have ever had.
Body decaying, spirit gone on to the next life to live and love again through another suit with its own bones and flesh and organs.
A chest open with remnants remaining with the spark of my spirit on to the next time and place.
When you open my chest on the autopsy table, you won’t find me.
I am boundless and ever-evolving.
I’ll be back among the stars.
Energy swirling around the cosmos connecting back in with the Source that I AM.
When my body died, my spirit lept out and became everything that it always was — INFINITE.
I wrote this in a spoken word workshop I participated in this past weekend. We all had to include the same 5 words (I accidentally left one of them out) with the same opening line. We wrote for 10 minutes. This is what came of it. I hadn’t really thought about what I had written until I stood in front of the group to read it. Reading it out loud moved me to tears. It made me realize how even with everything I’ve been through, life is so very beautiful.
When I do leave this body, I want the people who love me to internalize this message. Read this at a party on the beach around a bonfire while people drum, dance, and celebrate! Toss my cremated remains into the sea and move on with gratitude for any moments you shared with me. We are far more than the meat suits we’re currently wearing. Life would not be so sweet without death. We are all infinite spiritual beings having a human experience.
Thank you for being here. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspiring content. Sending you all so much love!
Don’t be so quick to dismiss things that are new to you. Those new ways of thinking and being and healing could be the keys to your healing and living your best life. They were for me.
There’s a reason why so many people are gravitating towards natural healing modalities and away from western medicine and the pill factory that has become “healthcare” in the US. Our current system as it stands is FAILING us big time!
It only takes getting something serious like Lyme disease to find out the bullshit way insurance companies and big pharma are running this show. For instance, did you know that it’s the insurance companies governing how doctors are “allowed” to treat Lyme disease? Do you know that because of this, thousands of people (including me) are forced to pay out of pocket for adequate treatment from a Lyme Specialist who has decided that actually treating the illness is the only way and can’t be done while under the thumb of health insurance companies? As you can imagine, payoff is bigger when you play nice with insurance companies, so there is a greatly unbalanced supply-demand ratio of Lyme Specialists to patients. I’m positive that there are people dying because they can’t afford adequate treatment for Lyme disease and they have to just take their doctor’s word for it. I had great insurance, but my specialist visits weren’t covered by it. The only way I continued with that care is because I became a nurse and could afford it. There were times as a nurse that my bank account was going negative between paychecks because I was paying $700 every 12 weeks to see my amazing Specialist who was helping me battle multiple infections. In fact, it’s a good thing I went to her, because every other doctor I had seen up to that point had neglected to tell me (or read the blood results) that showed I had tested positive for Valley Fever during a hospital stay. She was the only one who told me or treated me for it after having the test run by an infectious disease control doctor at the hospital, YEARS after the fact.
I’ve heard people say that things like energy healing or craniosacral therapy are “voodoo” (that don’t have negative side effects) without knowing anything about them, but they have no problem with having to suffer the side effects from medications their doctors are selling for which they then have to take ANOTHER medication! Doctors are just humans with more years of schooling by the way. They don’t and can’t know everything about everything. Most know a little about a lot. Some (specialists) go to even more school and know a lot about a little. There was a time that I was playing that game. In truth, medications have no side effects, only effects. When you take medication with serious side effects, you’re essentially choosing all of its effects (both wanted and unwanted) over your ailment. When I instead choose to take a prescribed homeopathic remedy, i got immense healing courtesy of my own body’s healing abilities getting switched on without ANY unwanted effects. It also allowed me to eventually come off of my medications for Lyme et al.
School teaches us the program (the more schooling you have, the more programmed you are), and then it’s up to US to choose our own, REAL well-being and the well-being of our brothers, sisters, and children over what we’re being taught. How many people aren’t getting any answers from their doctors and are taking medications that aren’t working, yet they’re STILL following the same protocol fed to them month after month, year after year? That’s insanity! That’s when I got curious and started trying other things, because for years, the meds weren’t healing me, they were temporarily controlling my symptoms. I’d go off the medication, and all of the symptoms would come back. It’s almost like we’ve come to accept the fact that there’s no hope for better health and well-being for us. We’ve been settling for mediocre care and mediocre treatment. And the system reflects it by serving up more of the same. I am generalizing here, because as a whole, the system is broken. I’ve been to the local clinics as a patient where I felt more like part of a cattle herd than human. I have friends who feel like they aren’t even treated like a human when they go to a clinic. Seen for a few minutes, not listened to or heard. It’s not OK.
Here in the Central Valley, our issues are compounded, because of the fact that we live in a medically under served area. We have more patients than doctors. We have less access to care overall, and in turn to quality care. Here, we have to take what we can get, and many people are being failed. In general, this system is failing us, because it has taught us to believe everything our doctors say, and it’s taught them that the best treatment for most things comes in pill form. People think that their doctors know best, yet their doctors only know what they are taught or seek. Big pharma has their hand in all of it, so typically they are taught big pharma‘ pitch. I would venture to guess that most people in healthcare who are open to alternative therapies, or even know about them, do because of their own health-history and the benefits they’ve had with them. NOT because they taught us anything about it in school. I have an amazing Nurse Practitioner who researches and goes the extra mile and diagnosed me when even doctors at Stanford hadn’t been able to. Good primary care folks DO exist. But, I’ve also gone to doctors who couldn’t figure out what was going on with me and were visibly offended and dismissive when I excitedly told them that I had gotten answers, the correct treatment, and was doing well. Thinking they’d be happy to have the mystery solved, I was surprised when they preferred to repeat some taught rhetoric that Lyme disease isn’t in California. Raise your hand if you’re in California and that pisses you off too! (BTW, we barely heard about Lyme in nursing school. Yep, even with an estimated 300,000 new cases a year. We had a teacher whose daughter had it, otherwise it was a blip). The best thing that practitioners can do for all of us is to do their own research. The problem is that the time to do it isn’t built into their work schedule. Those that do, sacrifice their time away from work. As a nurse, I can tell you that work, meetings, trainings, and certifications took up a lot of my time. When I was in it, I didn’t have the energy to research. Probably why my life was designed to have me be my own research, my own test subject. With no answers from my doctors and recurring pericarditis, I had nothing to lose.
WE are the ones we’ve been waiting for. WE are the ones that can change the system by doing the things that work for us vs what is being pushed on us. Our money talks. If we don’t like the system, we have to start making different choices. We are failing ourselves when we remain closed minded to new ways of doing things and just accept the status quo even when it isn’t serving us well. We can’t continue to hide behind phrases like “oh, my insurance doesn’t cover that.” So what? People will spend money on gadgets, beer and wine, fancy cars, so they CAN choose to spend that money on their well-being. How important is your one body in this lifetime to you? How important is the well-being of your body, mind, and spirit? There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to buy back your health once you lose it.
In our current system, the focus has been where there is the opportunity to make the most money. Our current “healthcare” system is a money-making system built on making sure we stay sick and in the dark about these things. Of course it is full of good-intentioned people who want to help people heal, it’s just that their capacity to do so is very limited within the confines of all the red tape. Do you know how many times I (and I’m sure MANY other healthcare professionals) left the hospital and cried after a shift, because the tasks placed on me prevented me from feeling like I could be the nurse I so desperately wanted to be? If I spent 15 minutes with someone listening to them as they processed their new cancer diagnosis, I’d risk falling incredibly behind in my charting and would sometimes have to stay hours late after my shift to catch up. I’d choose to listen every time, but not without a potential cost in the form of stress and further energy depletion for the extra long shifts and negative feedback from my bosses.
Currently, our government (FDA) is working to make various supplements unavailable to us over the counter, because they work and they’re currently not getting paid for them. Enter in big pharma patenting supplements and selling them for a steep price. Enter in the government getting in on the new marijuana/CBD industry when they’ve found a way to grab their slice of the pie. (Uhhh maybe legalize and then tax it for starters?) Any substance is only an issue when the government, big insurance, and big pharma (all the same entity) aren’t getting their cut. When people aren’t strung out on THEIR drugs. Today’s money maker is the flu vaccine so they push it, but, maybe tomorrow’s will be CBD oil or hallucinogenic plants, or some other thing that they’re toting as ‘bad’ now that will suddenly turn ‘good’ later when they figure out how to (or it becomes more acceptable to) market it and turn a profit. The real change is going to come from our own alignment with our spirit when we realize that we’ve had the ability to heal ourselves from within this whole time, after being fed the notion that all cures to everything come from without. Nope. Everything is an inside job.
It’s OK to face the fact that you’ve been lied to. It’s OK to change your mind. It’s OK to try new things even though your church or friend or teacher or doctor warns you against it. I am a Registered Nurse who has been the patient AND the nurse. I’ve experienced western medicine, and I’ve also tried many alternatives. A combination of the two saved my life. But it was the alternatives that continued to work for me without unwanted effects long after the pills had had their awful way with my body. I have also healed myself, because I have healed my thoughts about my illness. I decided that because I was feeling good, I was cured. A placebo thought that changed my entire game. Healing my mind changed my life for the better. No medication or complimentary therapy can compare to changing our thoughts and beliefs (beliefs are merely thoughts that you’ve thought over and over and over), and aligning with our own spirit.
Can you even imagine how much my beliefs have shifted to go from a wildlife field biologist, to a patient of western medicine to alternative therapies to career in nursing to career in Holographic Kinetics, and Mindfulness Coaching and Education (to name a few of my current projects)? Because of my training to always believe in science and what could be “proven” by it, I’ve had to read countless books to wrap my head around the fact that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It was by design that I was exposed to treatments with benefits that science wasn’t explaining or supporting. Luckily, it made me stop blindly trusting in science and “healthcare”. When I learn something new, I try my best to put my judgment aside so that I can weigh everything as a valid possibility. In this year as I’ve been wrapping my head around the multidimensionality of us and this universe, I have realized that nothing is as it seems. So who am I to keep rigid beliefs about anything given that fact? My mind is open to seeing things in a new light and changing my perspective. Is yours? If not, why are you holding on so tight to what you have been taught? Why are you holding so tightly to what you believe? How are your current beliefs serving you? How are they failing you? The proof is in your life. How much inner peace and well-being are you experiencing? That’s the new measure of “success” for me.
Some of this is difficult to think about this way, because it challenges our careers, our livelihoods and our egoic identities, the things we have devoted our time (away from our loved ones), energy, and money to. I get it, because here I am with a Registered Nursing degree feeling like it completely goes against the integrity of my own spirit to use it to practice as a nurse with the way things stand right now. I wouldn’t be able to do many of the things I’d be required to with a clear conscience anymore. I wouldn’t be able to hold in my knowledge of alternative therapies when I came across a patient who could really stand to benefit from it. The incongruent nature of my actions vs thoughts would drop me out of alignment with my spirit, and that’s the most expensive price I could ever pay for a paycheck. Not. Worth. It. People trade their alignment for a paycheck every day, within all professions by settling or doing work they hate.
So break out of your old ways of thinking and read something that challenges your current beliefs. If your medication isn’t really helping you anymore (or never has) and your doctor doesn’t have any answers, it may be time to try something alternative and natural that won’t give you more symptoms to worry about.
If we want a different reality, we’ve got to do different things. But the step between a new experience we want, and taking new actions is becoming aware of our thoughts and shifting them, so that they no longer get in our way of the very thing that could help us the most. We are our own worst enemies. We place limits where there would otherwise be none. We’ve become too rigid in our thinking. We’ve been taught to attack anything that disrupts the programs we’ve grown up in, including each other. Really, the only things we need to learn are how to think for ourselves and to question everything.
Thank you for reading along. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on Instagram/Facebook for more thought-provoking and inspirational content. Sending you all so much love!
So much focus has generally been placed on the health of our bodies and minds, but not of our spirits. The well-being of our spirits is the missing link to why so much of what we’re doing is not working. At our core, we are energetic, spiritual beings having a human experience. When we neglect this fundamental aspect of ourselves, we lack holistic well-being.
According to the beliefs of the aboriginal people in Australia, it is our spirit that is with us in this life and all past lives that we have lived. We are multidimensional beings living in a multidimensional world, which means that nothing is as it seems to our limited five senses. My training to become a Practitioner in Holographic Kinetics in May, an advanced healing modality based on the Dreamtime Healing of the aboriginals in Australia, taught me so much about our spirits and the power of healing at the spirit level.
In my career as a Registered Nurse, I was taught that physical ailments primarily had physical causes. Because they couldn’t find a definitive cause, my doctors wanted to place their bets on my immune system being “over active” as the cause for my pericarditis. They liked to say that my immune system was ‘attacking itself’. But that was not the case AT ALL. In the end, I was found to have a multitude of infections associated with the bite from a deer tick. Plus, I tested positive for Valley Fever when tested in the hospital and no one ever told me or treated me for it. It took a thorough Lyme Disease specialist going through my records YEARS later to find that positive test result and prescribe treatment. So needless to say, my inflammation markers being through the roof and my pericardium being inflamed had definite reasons for being so that didn’t have anything to do with my immune system being the problem. My body was doing exactly what it was designed to do when it detected invaders to my system.
In my path back to my innate well-being, I have come to understand that there is much more to the causes of our physical and mental ailments than what we have been led to believe. For instance, I see a direct correlation between those of us who spent much of our lives putting other people first, while not taking good care of ourselves, and chronic, mystery illnesses. For me, it became apparent that the fact that I had stopped listening to my heart and my intuition had a direct impact on my heart. I have come to learn that most people seem to be dealing a lot with the consequences of not fully feeling their emotions as they come up. Louise Hays wrote books about this very thing, as have others. My training in Holographic Kinetics solidified this fact as we learned about how trauma and emotions can become crystallized in the body in the presence of stress and how this can lead to dis-ease in the body and become trapped also in our spirit.
I have come to learn that our minds and the way we perceive the world is what impacts our lives the most. When our minds tend towards the negative and we stew in negative emotions like anger, fear, shame, guilt, we start having physical ailments. I have seen how cleaning up my thoughts have allowed me to heal myself and transform my life.
I started by hitting a point where I noticed I was suffering, and I was tired of it. I began thinking that there had to be another way to live that didn’t involve me being miserable. I realized that I wasn’t talking very nicely to myself. When I made mistakes, I beat myself up for it. I still struggle with being my toughest critic when it comes to certain things. But overall, once I became aware of my negative self-talk, I could begin to shift it. I have learned that self-awareness is the key to creating lasting change. Shifting my self-talk to the positive was the first step. Instead of thinking I was stupid, because I messed up, I started to be proud of myself for trying. I began to use positive affirmations to feed my mind uplifting words daily. From there, I began noticing the stories of victimhood that I had been telling myself about things that had happened in my life. Instead, I looked for the divinity in those experiences and the lessons I had learned through them. I was guided to read books with the principle that as spirits, we in fact choose our families and plan out some bigger aspects of our lives before we incarnate. That was a concept that was entirely new to me. I was also reading many books related to other aspects of spirituality, and the power of our minds and the fact that our thoughts create our reality.
At this point in my journey, I can say without a doubt that by changing my thoughts, I have changed my life. In addition, I have done a lot of work to feel my emotions and release them as they come up. I pay attention to what I feed my body AND my mind in the way of what I read, watch, and listen to. Much of adulthood, I believe, is learning to feel and process our emotions as they arise vs getting overwhelmed and stuffing them deep down inside of us.
As I have experienced through my own Holographic Kinetics sessions and now through the sessions I have done with clients, the Cause of the issues affecting our lives right now stem from beliefs that we locked in, usually during childhood, about ourselves or about life at the spirit level. That belief isn’t something that we usually remember consciously, but it becomes locked in at the level of the spirit and we begin to create situations that prove that belief to be true. We only see what we believe. In this way, we create EVERYTHING in our lives, consciously or unconsciously. Most people are walking around unconsciously creating their lives. In the mindfulness I have cultivated in a variety of ways, I have become a conscious creator of my reality. In the places where I seemed to still be unconsciously creating, I was able to heal those issues through Holographic Kinetics. One of the issues I cleared during my own sessions was not feeling worthy of love. The Cause was found during my time in my Mother’s womb. By locking in the belief that I was not worthy of love, it set me up to create situations in which I did not feel worthy of love. In this life, we can only create that which we believe is true. If at the spirit level, we believe that we are not worthy of love, then life cannot show us situations that make us feel worthy of love.
At times, the Cause of an issue can be found during our childhood in this life. When we’re children, trauma can come in many forms, even from seemingly small things as perceived by our now adult minds, because as children, everything that happens can feel so large and important. Using Holographic Kinetics, in communication with a person’s spirit, it is possible to go back to the moment when a belief, related to an issue, was first created. We can then change that dimension of time, so that the Cause isn’t created and therefore the issue stops affecting a person’s current life and future lives. The healing that happens during a session extends back through a person’s ancestral line, as well as forward through the generations of descendants.
When a situation isn’t cleared after changing the dimension with the Cause in this lifetime, we explore and determine if the Cause that was activated in this life perhaps was originally created in a past life or somewhere within the genetic lines of either the Mother or the Father. I have had the personal experience of having my issues linked to multiple past lives as well as ancestors of mine who had locked in trauma that was getting passed down through the generations. If I ever doubted the concept of past lives and reincarnation, I definitely don’t now. I have seen places I have never been and experiences I’ve never had in this life.
The power of our minds is real. We don’t actually see with our eyes. We see what our brains allow us to see, usually based on our past experiences. We fill in the blanks of our current reality with our past. Our minds sift and filter everything around us, otherwise we would be even more overwhelmed by the stimuli that is constantly bombarding us, energetically and from our five senses. Our minds have a way of paying attention to the things around us that resonate with us personally. I tell my kids in my mindfulness classes that if we all take a walk down the street together, we would have very different experiences, because we would all notice different things. I might notice some flowers that were in my front yard as a kid. Someone else might notice a car their Mom has. None of us are ever experiencing the same reality. It’s why I’ve come to accept that no one else is ever going to truly understand me. As Esther and Jerry Hicks write in their book “Ask and It Is Given”, “Your current time-space reality, your current culture, your current ways of looking at things — all of the things that make up your perspective — have evolved over countless generations. In fact, it would not be possible to retrace all the desires, conclusions, and perspectives that have resulted in your unique point of view right here and now.”
It is important that we are all here right now. Each of us is needed or we wouldn’t be here. There is divine reason for EVERYTHING, even when our human minds can’t figure out what it could possibly be. It’s taking all of us to stand in our own power, to learn new ways of being as we learn to feel our feelings, stay present in our moments, and work to heal and release ourselves from our past. It is a combination of healing of the body, mind, and SPIRIT that leads us on a path back to our innate well-being. Well-being is our birthright. We can connect with it again when we connect with our own spirit.
If you’d like a deeper connection and healing at the spirit level, consider a Holographic Kinetics session with me. You can check out the first testimonials I have received from people I have already worked with HERE. It’s a powerful healing modality unlike any other I have encountered.
Thank you for reading along! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Sending you all so much love!
My memory of health returned to me in the summer of 2015. It was a slow build that began when I listened to my heart and ended my marriage. It wasn’t about my marriage though, it’s just that at that time, it marked a huge turning point for me, because instead of ignoring my intuition, I began following it about everything in my life.
My work with an amazing Homeopath that began in January of 2015, put me on a collision course with my well-being, body, mind, and spirit. I had initially not believed that my Homeopath could in fact get me off of many of my medications as she claimed she could, several of which were antibiotics that I had been taking for Lyme Disease and co-infections since July 2012. I believed (and my doctors had told me) with everything in me that I needed the antibiotics to rid me of the Lyme bacteria that had invaded my heart and brain. After all, every time I had stopped taking the antibiotics, I would have recurrences of chest pain reminiscent of my initial bout of pericarditis in the Fall of 2009. By the end of July 2015, after over 3 years on oral antibiotics, the yeast was gaining strong footing in my body, and I had to temporarily stop the antibiotics so I could start a stronger anti-fungal medication that was incompatible with the other medications. I knew that I didn’t have a choice, but I was very nervous about stopping the antibiotics. I had become so conditioned to need medication to prevent chest pain.
I had begun meditating in July of 2015 as a coping mechanism during a difficult time in my life. I used it to deal with overwhelming sadness and anxiety. Every time my mind began to spiral into stressful thoughts, I’d set a timer on my phone for varying lengths of time depending on what I had going on, 2 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 15 minutes, and meditate. I’d clear my mind and focus on my breathing. What I noticed after doing this for a week or two was that I began to see the bigger picture of my life situation. I began to be very aware that my soul was working on bigger things than I could be aware of at that time. I gained an amazing sense of peace that all was right in the world and in my life, and that even as the stressful situation continued, it did not shake me out of that bigger sense of knowing. I was blanketed in a peace unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I sometimes forget about that week of peace. Essentially, it gave me the knowing that that level of peace was all I needed to be seeking in life. I became committed to not stopping until I attained it again. I began to live with a conviction to not put up with situations or people in my life that disrupted my inner peace.
As I was off the antibiotics for days, then a week, then 2 weeks, I kept thinking that I would restart them, but I kept NOT starting them. At that point, I was over taking handfuls of pills every day, multiple times a day. There were pills I had to take when I woke up, before breakfast. There were pills, I needed to take with breakfast. There were probiotics I had to take 2 hours after the pills with breakfast. There were pills I then had to take again at lunch, and yet again with dinner. There were pills I had to take before bed. From the beginning, I was taking medications to ward off the side effects of other medications. My medication regimen felt like a full-time job in and of itself. The yeast issues were the last straw. I was done. My body confirmed this and began making me gag every time I took a pill.
More importantly, my symptoms weren’t returning!! I didn’t have any chest pain! I was shocked, and happily surprised! So I then began to pose some questions to myself. What exactly made me “sick”? Was I sick because I had been diagnosed with Lyme Disease and a host of other tick-born infections, or was it based on how I felt? In that moment, I decided that from then on, it was going to be based on how I felt, and I felt great!
I continued my daily homeopathy remedy, but I stopped every other medication and supplement I had been taking. I realize that it was extreme to stop the supplements and my antidepressant, but after starting the pill routine almost 6 years earlier in the winter of 2009 following my emergent heart surgery (pericardial window), I began to gag at the mere thought of taking pills. My body was rejecting that lifestyle, and I finally started to listen to my body.
I started thinking of myself as healthy, and cured. It was a way of thinking that went against what my doctor and specialist were telling me, because they say that Lyme Disease can never be cured. But here I was feeling fine, after years of a dis-ease that had been severely constricting my ability to live my life with freedom to do the things I so loved to do like hike, working full-time 12+ hours as a Registered Nurse, and taking care of my son on my days off. It felt like a miracle. I had never thought that I’d ever be free from my symptoms, let alone my medications. As I changed my thoughts about my dis-ease, the shift in my health was AMAZING!!
By the summer of 2016, I was testing my body and getting back into hiking! I remember my first long, solo hike to Corbett Lake like it was yesterday. It was a 6.3 mile hike that began at 7,400 feet elevation and went mostly uphill to 9,070 feet. I’ve read online that the hike involves a total of 19 switchbacks up on the way in, and down on the way out. I was feeling great and had done smaller hikes leading up to this one, but when I hit that trail, I didn’t really know for sure that I’d be able to do it. It was such a gorgeous hike! Hiking solo meant that I could stop to catch my breath on the switchbacks without feeling bad about it. I stopped to eat when I felt hungry. I hiked my own way, in my own time and it felt so empowering! At one point, I got to a vista that overlooked the a lake below and the surrounding mountains. I stood there beaming, laughing, and then crying with joy at what my body was able to do, and at the beauty of nature all around me. I was back! My health was back! I was completely overwhelmed by the bliss of it all. I stood there with such gratitude for the experience, the strength of my body, and of my resilience. I wondered if others ever cry when they are out hiking and are met with such a beautiful view.
I continued my way up to the lake. I was amazed to have such a amazing spot all to myself. I think I hung out there for 3 or 4 hours that day. I had a dance party on a downed tree and later again on a giant boulder. I swam and snorkeled across the lake. I read a book. I meditated. I took a lakeside nap. I laid in the sun and in the shade. I listened to the wind blow across the water as it caused the clear, alpine lake water to lap at the shore. I marveled at the beauty that was that moment, in its entirety: the lake, my body, my returned/renewed/realized state of wellness.
The last paragraph of Deepak Chopra’s book, “Quantum Healing” could be written about me. “I have no fear for her now, even if she had to begin her battle again. Eleanor is beyond battles — she radiates the peacefulness that she writes about, and spending time with her makes me feel happy and secure, all the more because I understand how rare her peace is. From the despair of disease, she has discovered joy. At the moment when the memory of health returned, it brought her enough peace to last a lifetime.”
From the despair of dis-ease, I discovered my joy, and as my memory of health returned it gave me a power that has been with me ever since and will last my entire lifetime. Before I knew anything about Quantum healing and Ayurveda, I was utilizing some of the techniques without realizing it. I continue to use the power of my mind to change my life, and to help the clients I work with to use the same techniques to heal themselves and change their own lives. It is my passion, my joy, and my soul’s purpose to use my past experiences to empower and inspire others on their own journeys. The time has come for us all to realize the power of our own minds, and the potential that we all hold to live our best, most healthy lives!
If you are currently in a place where you find yourself challenged by dis-ease, then I highly encourage you to sign up for my email newsletter and gain access to a video I made that outlines 5 simple, yet POWERFUL techniques I’ve used on my own healing journey HERE.
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Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it! As always, if my words resonate with you and you feel so inclined, reach out to me at email@example.com. I would love to connect with you! Sending you so much love!
Here’s a link to one of my favorite songs to dance to these days, Matisyahu “Thunder” HERE. Enjoy!
It has been a while since I shared parts of my healing journey, so if you need a recap, you can read Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE. I had a pretty nasty herx during that visit to Colorado, and wasn’t expecting that severity of chest pain again, along with vomiting and diarrhea. So I got scared, and went to the local clinic and asked for a prednisone prescription, because it was the only thing that I knew would take the chest pain away. The chest pain was severe, and medications would not touch it. At the time, I didn’t really put two and two together that I was having a reaction because of the injection of antibiotics I had gotten from the doctor in LA. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that antibiotics would cause my symptoms to worsen before they got better. So I wasn’t prepared to handle the 10/10 chest pain that I was experiencing. I was far from home which meant I was far away from my primary doctor or my cardiologist who could prescribe pain medication for me.
So, I did what I could to get through that time. I took the supplements that the specialist had given me, and followed the guidelines of things I could do to lessen the herx reaction. I was forced to lay low, and missed a lot of the fun activities with family during that trip.
I had been instructed by the specialist to have my prescriptions for antibiotics filled when I got home from Colorado and to start taking them at that point. I started treatment on July 12, 2012, and my world was again turned upside down. The chest pain, high fevers (up to 103 I believe), and general malaise were unbearable at times, and I really felt like I would die. I was doing so terribly that my husband at the time arranged it so that he could work from home, afraid that something might happen to me while he was gone. Aside from the initial instance of illness where I passed out repeatedly from near heart failure, this time in July and August 2012 was the scariest time of my life to date. I did little more than lie on the couch in pain, sleep, and get up to use the bathroom. Walking to the mailbox that was about 30 feet (10 meters) from our house was unbearable, because of the severity of my chest pain. All physical activity aggravated my pain. I was essentially on body-enforced bed rest with a 3 year old who needed me and didn’t understand why I wasn’t the one mostly taking care of him anymore. That was really difficult for me.
I ended up getting hooked on the show “The Walking Dead”. I learned pretty quickly that laughing at comedies, and crying during dramas made me hurt worse. At that time, zombies created very little emotional response from me, because I viewed it as completely fake and unrealistic. The summer of 2012 was a bit of a blur. My severe herx lasted for about a month. Pain medications prescribed to me by my cardiologist began working, though I was having very strange arrhythmias that I could feel. For my friends in healthcare, on July 20th, I found out that my CRP was 491 (normal is 0-3) and my sedrate was 103 (normal is about 0-29)! I ended up having a 24 hour heart monitor placed at one point, but then it the weird heart beats stopped and nothing was revealed. I remember going to my primary care NP during this time, and speaking to her about how awful I was feeling and how scared I was. She encouraged me to keep track of the kinds of days I was having by drawing a smiley face, neutral face, or sad face on each calendar day of my planner. I encourage you to try this method for yourself if you’re experiencing a lot of ups and downs with your health right now as you move towards healing. It can be a good way to realize that you DO have good days.
I was nervous about heading into my last semester of nursing school with the way my summer had stacked up. I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to complete the program. I emailed my teachers to let them know that I wasn’t sure that I’d be finishing with the rest of my class. I knew that if the chest pain and fevers persisted that there was no way that I could focus on school and physically be able to walk to all of my classes. But luckily, as the days went on and I continued to take all of my medications and supplements to help with my herx reaction, I started having more smiley face days, than frowns. On August 4th, I actually got to leave the house and went to a local baseball game with my family. It felt so good to be outside again. Aside from doctor’s appointments, I had not left my house in nearly a month! By August 15th, I was back in my first lecture of my last semester of nursing school. My planner from that semester is loaded with classes, assignments, clinical shifts, doctor appointments, and events and sports related to my son. Remembering back to how i felt during that time, and seeing the fluctuation in smiley faces and frowns (that persisted into October), I am amazed that I pulled it all off!! I completed the semester with my class and went to my Pinning Ceremony on 12/13/12.
By the end of that year, I was feeling a lot better. In fact, I only kept track of my good and bad days into the beginning of November. I was feeling more back to myself, and because I had been off of the prednisone since July, I was losing the extra weight gradually. I don’t think I was prepared for my emotions that released following my Pinning. The whole thing had been emotional, listening to students and our professors speak, one of which was undergoing treatment for brain cancer that eventually took her life. She had been the one who fostered my love of working with the babies. After the ceremony, some of us went outside. It was just us students. And I started bawling my eyes out. I was excited, sure, after all I had worked so hard for this day and had overcome so many obstacles to get there. But more than that, it was like this thing that I had been focusing on for so long was no longer my focus. I realized in that moment how much school had been keeping me going. It redirected my focus and allowed me to focus on something bigger than myself, bigger than all of my problems at the time. It felt like all of my accumulated stress and sadness of the last 3 years began flowing out of me through my tears.
This portion of my story culminated with me taking and passing the NCLEX exam in January, flying home with my son to see our family, and then landing my first full-time Registered Nurse position in the local hopsital on the oncology unit that I started in March of 2013. As this was happening, my marriage was coming to a close. By May of 2013, I was living on my own, working full-time as a Registered Nurse, and taking care of my son on my days off. I continued traveling to LA (and then to one in San Francisco) regularly to see my Lyme Disease specialist and was having my labs closely monitored. I continued taking oral antibiotics daily, as well as other medications, and many handfuls of supplements. I was tired after my 12 hour shifts in the hospital, but my heart felt full, because I was using my experiences to help other people. I used what I had been through to draw in even more empathy and compassion for all of the patients who crossed my path.
I began to feel a lot better, because I was no longer hiding my truth behind the busyness of nursing school and I was following my intuition to a new life for me and my son. It took moving through a lot of fear. I had to let go of a lot of ideals I was holding in my mind’s eye. I had, after all, really wanted to create an intact and happy family for my son that I did not feel I had as a child. I had to let go of something I had comitted to, because I had to start fully putting my happiness and health first. For so many years of my life, I had always put myself last, not feeling worthy of love, not loving myself. My illness forced me to put myself first for a change, and it was a very uncomfortable process. But I can tell you that from where I am now, it was a very necessary process.
You see, I have now worked intimately with thousands of people as a Registered Nurse, and I also have people reach out to me now with serious, mystery health issues of their own. We all seem to have a common thread, an underlying lack of self-love. It can take years to recognize it. Maybe you’re reading this and can relate, or maybe it will open your eyes to it for the first time ever. Think about it: do you take good care of yourself in all ways? Do you love and accept yourself (and show it) fully? Are you always putting other people’s needs or the seemingly endless needs of the world before your own? Do you supress your emotions to make other people feel more comfortable? Are you a people pleaser and/or a peace keeper? We’ve all got to dig down deep to get to the cause of our dis-ease, or lack of enthusiasm about our lives. I have found self-love to be paramount to my healing in all ways body, mind, and spirit.
If you’re struggling with chronic illness, I encourage you to really look at your relationship with yourself first and foremost. Loving myself and taking good care of myself has been my biggest, foundation-building lesson from my dis-ease. Even at Part 3, my healing journey did not stop here…to be continued.
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If you’re on a healing journey of your own, and are feeling overwhelmed reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to work with you to create some healing and transformational magic in your life!
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So, between November 2009 and June of 2012, I lived with bouts of recurring pericarditis still without knowing the cause. With everything I did, I worried that I would have another flare. A flare basically meant lots of chest pain, bed rest (because it seemed to decrease the amount of time a flare lasted), and another subsequent increase in my dose of steroids. I limited my physical activity during this time, which meant that I wasn’t spending much time outdoors. And time outside in nature is what soothes me and my soul the most. As you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling very good overall during this time. I noticed apparent patterns like my symptoms seemed to get worse around the time of my period, and I seemed to always have flares of chest pain on my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. To the point that a friend once suggested that maybe I go to bed before Thanksgiving and not wake up until after Christmas. I would tell my doctors, but they were unable to make a connection with any of it.
During my son’s naps, I would take time to research pericarditis. I found an online support forum for people with pericarditis where I was able to connect to others who were also dealing with this strange illness. I was anxious to find some answers, or at least other people who could relate to what I was going through. I even went on to be the “leader” of the pericarditis forum for a while, welcoming new people into the group and sharing my own story. I continue to keep in touch with a few of the women from that group. At one point, I sought the help of an acupuncturist who would do weekly treatments and send me home with herbal Chinese teas to drink.
During the Fall of 2011, I came across a doctor in my area who had successfully treated someone with pericarditis using IV hydrogen peroxide therapy. By that time, I was almost to the 2 year mark since my pericardial window, and had been seeing my cardiologist, a rheumatologist, and a had gotten a second opinion from a cardiologist at Stanford. I was still on daily prednisone, still suffering with the side effects of it, and desperately trying to get off of it because of the known long-term negative side effects. I was also injecting myself with Methotrexate daily in hopes that it would help me get off the prednisone. No one had any answers for me. I was desperate for answers and was willing to try anything to get my health back. I began my IV hydrogen peroxide treatments in September of 2011. I forget how many times a week I would go at the beginning, but I do know that there were some weeks in there once I was successfully off the prednisone that I went 3 times a week when I was sick and at risk of flaring. Mind you, the office where I went was a 45 minute drive away from my home, and I would generally be there for 2 hours for each treatment, which meant that the whole ordeal of driving and sitting there getting treatment took about 4 hours total. And I was fitting these sessions in around being a Mom and full-time nursing student. I once saw a movie where one of the characters was going for chemotherapy and would pull up a black, leather recliner in a room next to the other people there receiving their chemo. That’s exactly what it was like with the hydrogen peroxide treatments. A group of people all sitting around in recliners hooked up to IV drips. The idea behind why hydrogen peroxide can be beneficial is that it adds a large amount of oxygen to the blood stream, and things like bacteria, viruses, and fungi generally do poorly in high oxygen environments. So even though this doctor couldn’t be sure what was causing my pericarditis, the idea was to oxygenate my system so that the possible culprit would be killed off. Well, this worked great in that I was able to get off of the prednisone fairly quickly. Initially, I would chat with the other people there amazed to hear their success stories with a myriad of different IV treatments for various illnesses. IV hydrogen peroxide does wonders for people with circulation issues related to diabetes for example. I’d share my story and my seeming success with this new treatment. Later, I would sit and study for class, or sleep during my treatments. Over time, it became tiring to talk and share my story. I found myself becoming more and more exhausted all the time, and I would usually sleep through my treatments. I also noticed that my memory surrounding my exams in nursing school seemed to be declining. At some point, in a conversation with another patient about primary care doctors, I was told to go to a Nurse Practitioner here in town. My doctors attempted to explain away my severe fatigue (and think even more tired than new parents) by saying that it was because I had a young toddler and was in nursing school, but I knew that it was somehow related to my health. I even questioned if maybe I was experiencing adrenal fatigue, but it fell on deaf ears. At this time, feeling generally unheard by my other local providers, I sought out the help of the holistic chiropractor in Oregon who had helped me when I bruised the bones in my feet in a fall (see We Are Never Alone) citing extreme fatigue as my most problematic symptom. She listened to me and agreed that I could be experiencing adrenal fatigue and she had me do a saliva test to find out. Sure enough, the tests came back definitive for adrenal fatigue and she started me on a natural supplement right away. I noticed some improvement, but I generally noticed that I seemed to be feeling worse all the time. Between September 2011 and June of 2012, I had a total of 55 IV hydrogen peroxide treatments, multiple infrared sauna treatments, and IV vitamin C and IV DMSO treatments.
When I finally made an appointment (June 2012) with the Nurse Practitioner I had received a rave review about, I really felt like I was just going so that she could meet me and hear my health story, with the hope that she could be a sort of overseer for me of all things medical. I had a lot of specialists involved on my case, but did not yet have a primary care provider that I could trust to keep track of everything as it was happening. During my first appointment in June 2012, upon telling her my experience with pericarditis and the ensuing loss of my health, she began asking me questions. I should say that there had been a time for me while living in Oregon where I got lucky to have health insurance through a job after at least 5 years without it. I had a kind of running list of all of the questions I wanted to ask a doctor during that time about small things related to my health that I had noticed. My ex-husband once reminded me that I would sometimes see natural remedies for things at the food co-op in Oregon and wonder if they would help me. He just thought that I was a hypochondriac. My point is that some minute symptoms may have appeared prior to November 2009. But back to my appointment…after maybe 5 to 10 minutes of asking me questions and examining me, the Nurse Practitioner told me that I should be tested for Lyme Disease. I explained to her that I had been tested for Lyme Disease during my second hospitalization in February of 2010, and had been told that the test was negative. She explained to me that the tests for Lyme weren’t very sensitive and that because of that, diagnosing Lyme was supposed to be based more on clinical findings than the tests. SEE LYME DISEASE SYMPTOM CHECKLIST HERE She also explained that because ticks carry more than just Lyme Disease that it was very possible that I was also experiencing symptoms related to other co-infections I likely had. She gave me a test kit for the Igenex Lab Inc. (IGENEX WEBSITE) here in California that has developed one of the most sensitive tests for Lyme disease in the world, and suggested that I make an appointment with a Lyme Specialist in the Bay area. I left that appointment completely stunned. Could she have figured it all out so quickly? Could my almost 3 years of health problems be explained by Lyme Disease and other tick-borne illnesses? Did this Nurse Practitioner just solve the mystery that several specialists could not?
I went home and dug out my lab results from February 2011 that I had because I had a copy of my chart made when I went to Stanford for the second opinion. I found out that on my old Lyme test, I did have one band present, band 41. (Understanding Bands on a Western Blot Test) I began to fervently research Lyme Disease. I found the Lyme Disease symptom checklist and was amazed with the number of symptoms I could check off on the list! I began to get excited that I might actually have some answers! And I had a lot of hope that this meant that I would finally get proper treatment!
If you recall from other posts, for my first career, I had spent the better part of 10 years traveling the country as a wildlife and fisheries field biologist, so I definitely had plenty of exposure to ticks in the wild areas where I lived and worked. I have lived in 1. West Virginia 2. Florida 3. South Carolina 4. North Carolina 5. Maryland 6. Alaska 7. Utah 8. Oregon 9. New Mexico 10. California. I also worked and/or spent time in 1. Ohio 2. Pennsylvania 3. Georgia 4. Arizona 5. Washington. I never had a bull’s-eye rash often associated with Lyme Disease. And I only recall having one tick for sure while working in Washington. But the nymph form of ticks can be very very small, like the size of the period at the end of this sentence, so they are easily missed.
You may be wondering why I needed to see a Lyme Specialist rather than just being treated by my Nurse Practitioner. Well, there is a lot of controversy surrounding the diagnosis and treatment of Lyme Disease. There are two trains of thought about appropriate treatment for Lyme. One group includes the Center for Disease Control (CDC), Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA), insurance companies, and most doctors who believe that Lyme can be easily treated with a short course of antibiotics. They explain away persistent symptoms post-treatment by saying that the problem is then either psychosomatic (all in the person’s mind) or an autoimmune response. The other side includes the International Lyme and Associated Diseases Society (ILADS), Lyme literate doctors who have a specialization in Lyme Disease, and lymedisease.org that believe that Lyme Disease is resistant to treatment and that longer courses of antibiotic therapy is needed to successfully treat Lyme. They explain that there is a such thing as chronic Lyme Disease that persists after treatment, especially when Lyme goes undiagnosed and therefore untreated in individuals. Most doctors aren’t really trained to recognize Lyme, let alone treat it. Lyme has so many different disguises and an extremely wide-range of symptoms. In the United States, the health insurance companies have a lot of say on the kind of treatment doctors can provide to their patients with Lyme Disease. Doctors who have given their patients long-term antibiotics for Lyme have had their licenses threatened and in some cases taken away. So the Lyme literate doctors as a rule don’t accept insurance, and instead require patients to pay out-of-pocket for their services, because they have found the most success in treating people with long-term antibiotics, and insurance companies would limit them. If you want to learn more about this controversy, I HIGHLY recommend that you watch the documentary “Under Our Skin”. It used to be available on Hulu or Netflix, but I found it for rent on YouTube for $3.99 here: WATCH Under Our Skin
In a very round about way, I ended up having my first appointment with my first Lyme Disease Specialist in Los Angeles in July 2012 before flying to Colorado to visit family. Prior to my visit, I was asked to provide my medical records and was asked to fill out extensive paperwork detailing my symptoms, and was also required to write a one-page paper outlining my health concerns. As soon as the specialist entered the room, she told me that she definitely thought that I did indeed have Lyme Disease as well as at least Bartonella (Cat Scratch Fever), because of the involvement of my heart. She surprised me by saying that it would be better if I had AIDS, because it was easier to treat than what I likely had. At that time she began to mentally prepare me to get either a PICC line or Mediport for IV medication delivery in the future, because of my heart and brain involvement. She thought that the IV hydrogen peroxide treatments likely helped reduce some of my bacterial load, and said that I was likely beginning to feel worse, because when Lyme is killed off, it emits neurotoxins into the body which can start accumulating in the brain if you’re not taking any kind of supplement to bind to the toxins as they are released. She believed that this is why I felt so exhausted all of the time and why I was having issues with my memory. She filled out the paperwork for the Igenex Lab Inc. test kit and decided to test me for a whole host of infections at this time. Igenex does not accept insurance, so you have to pay out-of-pocket for their testing unless you have Medicare, or your health insurance covers out of network labs, which mine did not at the time. Luckily, I was able to apply for and receive assistance from the Lyme Test Access Program (Lyme-TAP) for my extensive testing.
At this first appointment, I received an IM injection of an antibiotic, a multitude of supplements, and the direction that I should completely eliminate gluten, sugar, and dairy from my diet. I was educated on the Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction, and was told various things that I could do to reduce the symptoms and detox my body during treatment. I was given a prescription for an antibiotic (Rifampin) to start once I was home from vacation. We continued onto Colorado to visit with family, with a suitcase full of pills, liquids, and powders. Finally, I had some answers, and I felt like I was making progress towards getting some semblance of my health back.
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If you or someone you know has experienced Lyme Disease first-hand, and you have questions or comments to share, please do. I always try my best to help other people who are also on a journey with Lyme Disease. I have included a lot of very helpful Lyme-related links throughout this post. Please click on them if you want to learn more!