I’m ready to heal the stories and stop pretending reality away
I’m not waiting for other people anymore to go on adventures with me upon this expansive earth
Out of my comfort zone, I find you
I see you there, through the lush, crisp trees, and my jovial spirit begins to awaken
We empathize with one another as humans who have experienced health crises
We are there, next to the rushing river, pushing past physical disability
Testing our bodies to see how far they can travel, how much they can carry
Testing my heart, I felt so much release learning to love you without expectation
My life has come full circle, and I come down to earth to live again, wild and free
Feeling my skin so cold and alive, my heart feels like it might explode with joy
I’ve stopped taking life for granted and I bask in the moments of hot soaks, cold dips, and a starry dome overhead as we sleep outside
As I feel my wet, cold face against yours warm and dry, I find myself and choose to live with love
Bit by bit, I remove the compartments I created as an attempt to control the chaos around me
I am supposed to write, so I release my words from the dam I had built and I feel a rush back to my authentic self
I find myself naked with my heart wide open, ready to be the light that I came here to be
More consciously aware in this life than ever before, I realized the beauty as it happened
The exhilarating plunges into cold water collided me with my own spirit
After a tiresome vertical swim up from the depths of the outside world, I return to myself
My face breaks through the surface of the water in a splash and I inhale deeply as if I’m breathing air for the first time
My life will never be the same.
About this poem: I wrote the majority of this poem on multiple paper strips years ago as part of an online writing workshop I took part in. This past winter, I found the strips, and added to them to create this poem. It represents the critically important time in my life when I literally returned to myself by following my joy. It was the year I realized that my health was back and that I could again hike as far as I wanted to without worry of my pericarditis coming back. I’ve cried with gratitude on many hikes, in complete awe that I was given a second chance to fully enjoy nature and this life again.
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I’ve been purging. I finally threw out all of my cards and letters from people that I had collected over the last 2 decades of my life. I’m a very sentimental person and I hang onto things that have been meaningful to me. I have been one to write a LOT of letters in my life. A LOT. But I keep being left with the same thought. If having so many things stored in my closet is bothering me, is holding onto these keepsakes to look at once a year (MAX) really serving my highest good? For me, that answer is no. When I picture my closet nearly bare, I feel more free and happy.
I spent part of my time today, OK maybe a large part, reading through some of my most valued cards and letters before saying goodbye. I came across words in a letter, from one of my best friends back in 2006, that made a huge impact on my life. I was struggling really badly with severe depression at the time and this friend was one of the very few people I had opened up to about it. It turns out that they had experienced depression in their own life and their words in this letter really soothed my then broken heart at the time.
Referring to lyrics from an Iron and Wine song, they write, “in song #6, he writes, “so may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten, sons are like birds flying upwards I’ve the mountain,” that hit home.”
The sunrise gives us all a new day and hope for a different experience than the day before when we’re really down in the trenches of depression. The fact that my friend responded with compassion when I told him I was depressed made all the difference to me. In fact, I credit him with being one of the people who saved my life in this lifetime. It feels sad to get rid of this important part of my history, but it’s really just a relic reminding me of things I’ve already assimilated. My memories of it live on. Every moment, every letter, every person, every place, every job is etched into the fabric of the life I have led this time around. Things can remind us of the good times, but the moments are ours whether or not we keep the things we associate with them.
The letters. I moved out of state for college, I then attended 3 different schools for my undergrad, and I traveled the country and lived away from loved ones, often in remotely wild and beautiful places. Sometimes snail mail was the only way I could consistently communicate with my friends and family. I had kept every letter I had received from people when I spent a summer in the backcountry of Alaska nearly 19 years ago now! I had all cards and letters including ones from the Mom of one of my best high school friends who died in our early twenties, I had letters from a friend’s Mom whom I adored who also died, I had letters from my high school sweetheart, cards and letters from my family, and best friends. At one point many years ago, I had just thrown all the letters in a container together and thought of them more as one item. I always thought about it as I’d get rid of or keep all of them. Every year, I open the box, read a few, and decide to close it and keep it all. Not this year.
My bedroom closet is pretty big. It stores my clothes, my camping gear, my sewing machine (I never use), photos/albums, Christmas decorations and a few small things from other holidays, a filing cabinet with loads of papers sorted, and a few containers of my son’s schoolwork starting with preschool, his awards, and a tote of photo albums and pictures. My spirit has been nagging me for the last few years to throw out everything except for my clothes, furniture and things I use regularly. Now I see why.
I really dug into this purge with a purpose to eliminate most of what’s in my closet. Wow. I was holding onto to so many things from my past. Like today, I found a binder in the filing cabinet with ALL of my dog’s paperwork. The adoption papers from the shelter where I got him, his paper collar that listed his supposed breed and age, vet bills. Wow. My Gus dog died in January of 2016! I didn’t even realize that I had kept all of that. I discovered all sorts of things of that nature, whole folders filled with things I no longer need from anywhere from about 10-20 years ago!!!
Here I have been consciously working to usher new energies into my life, without realizing how much I was clinging to the old. Energetically, our space only has room for so much energy, so when we cling to old energies and ones no longer serving us, we unwittingly prevent new energies from coming in. So this week, I have been releasing the old thoroughly. I am ready for all the new that this Universe has waiting for me!
Here it is, nighttime again and I STILL have things strewn about my bed and room. I have made so much progress today. I feel accomplished and lighter. I’ve dropped pounds of literal weight and who knows how much energy that was tied to it. I have more to do, but I feel more ready than ever for my next chapter.
My son opted to get rid of things that were no longer serving him last week too. He really lightened his load. His determination to clear the old was inspirational. And I was proud of myself for not going through the things he was parting with to see if there was anything I could hand down to my nieces (or keep.) I didn’t even look through the books he had outgrown and decided to donate! Now that’s growth! And genuine desire to release the old to make way for the new.
Clearing all of that old energy is palpable. You may have never thought about it that way before: that getting rid of stuff changes the energy of a space, but it does. Think of a time when you’ve purged a bunch of stuff from a room in your house or even from a dresser or cabinet. Did you keep going back to look at the cleared space? It’s because you could feel the shift in energy. It’s more light and free. Sure, we love to see organized space where there was once chaos, but I believe it’s the way the new space FEELS that keeps us wanting more of it. We are, after all, energetic beings surrounded by energy. The nuances affect us whether or not we are consciously aware.
Have you been feeling the same need to purge your belongings lately? How are you doing? How do you feel?
You can listen to Iron and Wine’s song “Upward Over the Mountain” HERE.
Thank you for reading along! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspirational posts. Sending you all so much love!
You ever have something keep showing up for you repeatedly, yet completely miss it?
Yeah, that’s been my relationship with peacocks. I realized recently that peacock might have a message for me. I laughed as I thought of the peacock earrings I’ve been wearing daily for probably a year or more, the peacock Halloween costume I have worn several times over the last 7 years. The long skirt I had gotten even before that costume that looked like peacock feathers. Among many other times I reflected that peacock has made an appearance in my life! And as I was laughing with one of my best friends about it recently, I looked up and saw this tiny Polaroid of a peacock I’ve had on my mantel since my friend, Avi, gave it to me last year! Not only that, but they just. keep. appearing.
It’s funny because I was once told that one of my spirit guides is Quan Yin. I have been seeing that name pop up a lot lately and now I see that the peacock has been associated with her.
I have been guided, over the last several years especially, to lead with my heart and show up fully without regards to what people will think of me. I know that when we give ourselves permission to step fully into our power as bright explosions of ourselves, we give others the permission to do the same. Authenticity is a KEY to getting into alignment with our own spirit, and alignment is KEY to experiencing all the magic that life has to offer!
Peacocks don’t give a shit. They’re confident in themselves regardless of what’s going on around them. They are fearless in their expression. They don’t hide their true colors, they flaunt them. And they definitely don’t hold back their truth for fear of what others will think of them. Not everyone is going to like their bright feathers, and they’re OK with that. They don’t need anyone else to like or understand them, because they like and understand themselves and they’re just doing them. I have been learning to do the same. The peacock moves through the world just doing what peacocks do. They don’t doubt, they don’t question, they don’t hold back. Peacocks trust. They know they’re going to find their path/mate/tribe as long as they keep showing up just as they are. They know that the things/other peacocks meant for them will be drawn to them like a magnet. It’s what they experience over and over again. Show their full beauty and attract all that they desire. Wow, such wise beings, right?!
I have never been as confident in myself as I am right now. I was building it and gained so much confidence following my training in Holographic Kinetics. It was a noticeable shift right away. It feels electric and grounding simultaneously. I feel myself stepping more into my power all the time. Learning to fully recognize and embody the energy of my spirit while setting healthy energetic boundaries for myself. Working with and feeling my shift internally, cocooning to integrate the lessons and allow myself to adjust myself to the new levels of energy, and then seeing the shift in my outer world. My word for 2020 is empowered. I can see that peacock has been sharing its flamboyant energy with me to help propel me into my full empowerment. Thank you, peacock.
I am very synced with animals and find that I’ve had so many beautiful animal messengers land on my path throughout my lifetime. The animals shift as I move along my path. They always carry the message I need at the time. Jellyfish is my spirit animal, but I am so grateful for all ofanimals who have touched my life.
What animal(s) hold messages for you? Do you know what your spirit animal is? Is there a repeating animal showing up for you right now?
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I used to buy notebooks and journals all the time, and never write in them. Then, in about 2015, I started filling them and I haven’t stopped. The words just keep pouring out of me. During the times in my life when I lost my voice and gave my power away to other people and other things outside of myself, I withheld my creative expression. Now, it’s as if the floodgates have opened!
I remember times in my life when my energy overwhelmed the people I was closest to in my life. I remember times of having my words and actions questioned to the point of causing me to retreat deep inside of myself, because I felt “wrong” in every way I was trying to show up in the world. I remember the numerous times when people said I talked too much. You know, when you’re as sensitive as I am, you’re hearing people’s words and sensing what they’re thinking and feeling about you.
I am so happy that I have taken the time to get really confident in myself to the point of not caring if someone doesn’t like the way I’m showing up. I know that my energy attracts my tribe and I see how the people and situations in my life have shifted accordingly. I am happy that I have cultivated my communication over the years, because it’s extremely important for my purpose and the work I do. Communication is key to my favorite — connection. I’m so glad that through the course of my lifetime, I have taken classes, and have been in situations that required me to write a LOT. Again, all important for my purpose.
On May 31, 2018, after leaving my last shift as an RN in the hospital, I wrote: “I have chosen to follow my intuition, the synchronicities, and the urgings of my spirit and step onto a mostly invisible path. And I’ve never felt more at peace or more confident in my decisions as I do right now. I turn 39 tomorrow and fly around the world to a place I have dreamed of going since I was 18 — AUSTRALIA! It has taken me the better part of 39 years to get to this place. Today, I feel like I walked to the edge of a tall, spiring cliff, arms raised up like wings in the air, and jumped off into the great unknown with a confidence I didn’t have 3 years ago.”
Show up! Take risks! Live large!
I could have never seen the changes that would happen in my life from the ones I made back in 2018. My life looks nothing like I thought it would. I’m doing things for work now that didn’t even know existed back then! My personal sessions of Holographic Kinetics have only added to my confidence. One of the issues I cleared isn’t one I knew I had – feeling like there was something wrong with me. I had been carrying that around with me since my 20’s. It has been an experiment of sorts to clear issues like this one through Holographic Kinetics and then wait and see how it shifts my life. It’s hard to pinpoint the individual shifts and what issue’s release led to them, but I do know that I just feel so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and so much more trusting in my journey.
If you’re interested in having a Holographic Kinetics session with me, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information. This week, I have openings on Thursday morning, Friday evening, and Saturday. I usually have availability on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and Saturday and Sunday. I schedule within the week we’re in. You can also visit http://www.holographickinetics.com for more information.
Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG and FB for more inspiring content. Sending you all lots of love!
My current song obsession can be heard HERE. It’s Nahko and Medicine for the People’s “Aloha Ke Akua”. And the even more fitting song, “Confidence” by Matisyahu HERE.
When you open my chest on the autopsy table you will find the silver lining around my scarred heart marking the illness I overcame.
You will find a turquoise sea of love that I experienced throughout my lifetime.
Lust for places I traveled to and fell in love with, and all of the places that were always on my list for a future time.
You will find images of my son tucked away — saving them like photographs in an old static-cling photo album we always had when I was a kid.
You will find the joy that filled my days after the needle that removed the serosanguineous fluid from around my heart gave me a second chance at life — true, fully alive life.
You will find parts of every person I have connected with, every moment in nature I’ve spent, and every adventure I have ever had.
Body decaying, spirit gone on to the next life to live and love again through another suit with its own bones and flesh and organs.
A chest open with remnants remaining with the spark of my spirit on to the next time and place.
When you open my chest on the autopsy table, you won’t find me.
I am boundless and ever-evolving.
I’ll be back among the stars.
Energy swirling around the cosmos connecting back in with the Source that I AM.
When my body died, my spirit lept out and became everything that it always was — INFINITE.
I wrote this in a spoken word workshop I participated in this past weekend. We all had to include the same 5 words (I accidentally left one of them out) with the same opening line. We wrote for 10 minutes. This is what came of it. I hadn’t really thought about what I had written until I stood in front of the group to read it. Reading it out loud moved me to tears. It made me realize how even with everything I’ve been through, life is so very beautiful.
When I do leave this body, I want the people who love me to internalize this message. Read this at a party on the beach around a bonfire while people drum, dance, and celebrate! Toss my cremated remains into the sea and move on with gratitude for any moments you shared with me. We are far more than the meat suits we’re currently wearing. Life would not be so sweet without death. We are all infinite spiritual beings having a human experience.
Thank you for being here. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspiring content. Sending you all so much love!
Dancing has never just been about dancing. The indigenous people around the globe know it. The church has known it (which is why some have tried to stop it from happening in the past). There is a true freedom that arises when we dance. A pure joy that emanates from the spiritual beings that we are. A swirling and igniting of energies that ripple out from our own field and connect with the earth, the spirits of everything in nature, and each other. Expressing ourselves fully through free-form movement and dance can change the world!
I have found that being authentic, following my joy, and following my intuition (guidance from my own spirit) has led to my alignment with my own spirit. Alignment is the KEY to everything we seek! Well-being of body, mind, and spirit, inner peace and a sense of fulfillment, happiness, love, freedom, and abundance. Our alignment holds the answers for all of the questions we seek answers to in regards to the meaning of our life and our purpose this go around.
When we dance, we tap into our true nature. We can set intentions when we dance to create and send love out into the universe. By doing so, we extend even more positive energy out into the world from living our joy and dancing!
Dance more! Shine your light! Your energy ripples out into the world and affects everyone and everything. Be mindful of the kinds of ripples you’re creating. Follow your joy! Allow yourself to thrive! DANCE ALIGN ELEVATE THRIVE!
I’m on a cloud today after speaking at Visalia Talks & Wine last night about “Healing Depression with Mindfulness and Holographic Kinetics”. I shared some deep parts of my personal experiences with depression and suicide. Stay tuned, because I’ll be posting the video of it when it’s ready! I know it was the first of many such opportunities and I’m so excited!! Thank you to @kelseylowshow for creating the event and being so dang amazing and for everyone who took the time to come to the event and connect with me afterwards! I am so grateful!
Thank you so much for reading along! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspirational content. Sending you so much love!
“The light within each of us fears nothing, accepts everything, and sees the value of it all as a means for deeper growth and healing. Trust in your light. It will make sense of your darkness.” — by Scott Stabile “just love.”
I recently had a new college graduate reach out to me for some advice. At the end of the conversation, I realized that what I had shared could potentially help a lot of people. So, I’ve decided to post it here. Conversations like this one light me up and keep me going. It is my intention to simply direct people back to themselves, to their own inner knowing, and to alignment with their own spirits. Always trust in your light!
I realize the power of my perspective to help shift people into a new level of awareness. But, I am acutely aware that all knowledge and wisdom lies in the person themselves. As spiritual beings having a human experience, we each have the answers that we seek within us. We hold the keys to what is holding us back and the keys to our own healing. We hold the key to our next steps along our path. We just have to quiet our minds and really listen to the whispers of our own spirit. Life is about living as the main character in our own show without allowing the loud roar of voices from our families, society, and even our own egos distract us from following our own inner guidance system. You came here to be exactly YOU!
Just the fact that you’re here, on this planet is enough for you to deserve everything your heart desires, because only you hold your exact energetic frequency. You vibrate higher when you show up authentically and unapologetically YOURSELF while you follow your joy and live your life to the fullest, whatever that looks like for YOU! (not me or your parents or your teachers or society.) Just because things have been a certain way for a lot of years doesn’t mean anything other than humans may have gotten into a bit of a rut. We are in great need of some movers and shakers to help change it up. So, instead of worrying about how to manage your anxiety as you bend and fold yourself to fit into an existing box that you’re terrified of getting stuck in, align with your own spirit, and stay the hell away from any box or any person trying to fit you into one! (or at least don’t ask for or take advice from those people). Run and be free and forge your own path! It’s 2020, it’s time to get clear on the vision you want for your own life.
College Graduate: “Hi, I just saw your IG tv video on why the govt wants to control indigenous people and agree with you completely. However, this makes me look at my own life and I feel so trapped. I’m about to graduate college and have been putting off applying to jobs just because I don’t want to be a slave. I want to break free but it goes against everything and I feel so lost. I want to live freely and in alignment but my poverty mindset & trauma seems to stop me. Do you have any words of advice?“
Me: “Wow thanks for reaching out to me! I hear you. I see you. And I appreciate you.
If you’re feeling like you don’t want to apply to jobs right now, then my advice? Don’t apply to jobs. You JUST graduated. There’s no real hurry to jump into something you’re not going to feel passionate about. I just went to a powerful intention setting ceremony today and it was powerful.
Sit quietly with your eyes closed, clear your mind and ask: what is God’s (my own spirit is what I asked, universe etc) highest vision for my life in 2020?
For me a word came into mind almost instantly. See what comes up for you. And then listen to it and take a step towards it.
I am a practitioner of Holographic Kinetics, a powerful healing modality based on Dreamtime Healing of the aboriginal people of Australia and I personally highly recommend it for clearing a poverty mindset and childhood trauma. It’s been so powerful for me that I plan to go have a session as soon as I can to clear some more things. You can read more at www.holographickinetics.com and see if there is a practitioner near you.
Lastly, know that those of us who are older than you don’t have the answers. Only you have the answers you seek. Ignore the outside voices and inner voice telling you what you “should” do and listen and feel into what you think you’d be really excited to do! The world is changing. The way things have been done are not the way they are anymore. Follow your joy! Follow your passion! Follow your own intuition and take a leap and ENJOY THE RIDE! You’re only a new college graduate once! Live it up!”
College Graduate: “Thank you so much for your kind words! It means so much & appreciate you taking the time and everything you’ve posted!
Thank you for the link as well, I’ve seen some of your posts mentioning it but thought I was too far for all of these practices that I see on IG in general. I read through the list and someone is near me! I’m going to look more into it and reach out to (practitioner name) 🙂
And I agree the world is changing, I’ve heard how many of the more creative fields will actually come back in demand, which is really nice (since I was lead to believe my degree was pointless)
However, it’s sometimes hard for me to distinguish which voice is which, how do you know when it’s your intuition speaking? (& not ur ego/ socialization)”
Me: “I wouldn’t worry about what ‘they’ say about any field. It doesn’t really matter. You just need to find the thing you’re most passionate about at any given time and do that! Success is inner peace, not the outside rewards like you’ve been taught.
Your spirit speaks to you through your intuition. Choosing based on live instead of fear can help you tap into it. As can following your joy and doing what you feel called to do even when the outside is telling you differently. Your intuition won’t ‘should’ you and make you feel guilty for things. It won’t talk negatively to you or get you to compare yourself to others. Your spirit/intuition is much more quiet at first than your ego. But as you learn to quiet your mind (meditation is great!) and follow your intuition, it’ll get stronger and you’ll trust it more once you realize it always leads you to amazing people, opportunities, and situations. Learn to observe your thoughts and actions and question everything that you think, especially when it’s making you feel bad.
I don’t know if this is something you’d enjoy, but find a way to travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Travel does so much for our self discovery. I assume you don’t have much responsibility yet, so now is the time to do the fun things. Jobs will be there when you get back and you’ll have a better sense of what you want to do. Have fun!!!”
College Graduate: “I was so worried about not wanting to play the game without direction, working for someone and all that, and was considering living in a hippie commune. I thought about what I actually like to do, writing & reading- I’ve always liked it, it’s a hobby of mine, it’s a “tool” I honed in college. I want to be a writer, and you’re right no one else could have told me that. I really had to purge all my stress to really see deep down. These answers lie within. Lies within our patterns, what we liked doing as kids, what we liked (but may have suppressed) now. I want to thank you again, your words sparked something in me after I really sat with them and my thoughts. This was all an abridged version of what I resolved but again, thank you. Much love ✨”
Me: “Oh this is so awesome to hear! I am so happy that you’ve found some answers for yourself. Your story and way of seeing the world is unique and you never know who can benefit from it. Write write write!!!! You are so welcome. Sending lots of love right back to you! Never lose your passion! Never stop following your own inner guidance! You are the only you and no one else can tell you how to live your best life. I hope you have a fantastic day!! ❤️”
Ripples people. Ripples! I’ll end this with a quote from the book “The Vortex” by Esther and Jerry Hicks:
“Most of the guidance, rules, and laws that are passed down from generation to generation are written by people who are not in the state of “allowing” their Connection with their Broader knowledge. In other words, the majority of the guidance that is thrust upon you has come from a perspective of lack, and it cannot lead you to an improved situation.”
Thank you for reading along! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it. Follow me on IG or FB for more inspirational content. Sending you all so much love!
As I closed this post out, I had these lyrics for Digable Planets “Escapism (Gettin’ Free) (listen HERE!) pop into my head:
“Get free, get free y’all Get free, get free y’all Get free, get free y’all Get free, get free y’all”
It’s time we all get FREE! How? Alignment with our own spirits!
I learned the true value in maintaining an elevated energetic vibration and the alignment with my own spirit. For once in my life, I placed these things and my own well-being FIRST. I felt into everything I did, and got strong in following my intuition wholeheartedly. I now trust myself and my own guidance fully, and no longer feel like I need guidance from any outside source.
I met a lot of new members of my tribe. I danced more. I sang more. I hiked more. I connected more. I healed more. I taught more. I created art more. I manifested more. And not only did I do these things, but I did them in front of other people through public dance parties, classes, speaking, and even my first art show! This year has been a year of getting to know my power as a powerful creator. It has meant not playing small and staying hidden hoping that people won’t notice my differences. It’s been about not only accepting my differences, but really learning to love and appreciate them. I’ve been putting myself out there more by sharing my perspectives more openly.
There have been painful times in this year as I’ve peeled back more layers in my healing process. Working through identifying more with my spirit than my ego has required some deep, personal introspection. It required a lot of solitude. For once, I was fully ready and willing to look at my issues and face them without deflecting to other people or situations. I stood in my own shit and owned it all.
In 2019, I came out of my shell and stepped more into my light in a public way. With help from Holographic Kinetics, I gained a confidence in myself and my abilities that I had never before experienced. I plan to up my life game in big ways in 2020. I realize that I’ve been functioning at probably half my capacity. I feel like it’s time to blow the top off of any remaining perceived limitations I have about myself and life and go all in!
2020 is going to be BIG!
Happy New Year to all of the people here who have followed me on this incredible journey of self-discovery and self-transformation. I appreciate you! 2020 here we come!
If you only know my blog and want to see the dancing and art I created this year, check out my IG at peaceful.jellyfish or FB at /peacefuljellyfish. I’ve posted a lot of videos this year that you will enjoy of you enjoy my blog.
Thank you for reading along! If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it! Follow me on IG or FB for more positive content. Sending you all so much love and wishes that you’ll make 2020 your best year yet!
I can’t help but think of Prince’s song “1999” on this last day of 2019! Enjoy!